Like lightning and York University, tragedy loves to strike. Last week, a terrible car crash occurred on Highway 401, where fortunately, only one party was injured. Unfortunately, that member was not Ontario Premier Doug Ford, but the poor, helpless, vulnerable car that Ford’s ginormous, tomato-like head assaulted.
The Boundary reached out to an anonymous witness, who revealed the true disturbing facts of the crime. “It was just horrible!”, they said. “I’ve never seen anything like it. One minute everything was normal, and the next, complete madness! There was an eerie feeling in the air, like something was about to go wrong. Maybe it was the fact that Ford’s massive, rock-hard head was perched out of the sunroof, like a vulture ready to snatch up its prey. Maybe it was just the freaky aura of the 401. But it was scary. I hope to never witness a crash as bad as that again”. Reports say the victim was simply driving down the highway when the Ford-Mobile, which was neither in the right lane, nor going the speed limit, claimed its victim.
Ford even admitted to his sins, bragging about his weapon of choice, “This head is like limestone. It’s hard as a rock”. What a callous asshole. We at the Boundary stand with the victim, and hope it’s able to get better soon. Hopefully, since Ford didn’t even try to deny his horrendous actions, he’ll be in jail for a long, long time where he can think about the lives his limestone-ass head ruined.
Anyone who has been made witness to the crash is asked to call the OPP’s highway safety division or contact Crime-Stoppers anonymously.
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