Recently, UofT was announced as the number one most sustainable university in the world. Though it’s unclear how much Gertler and his friends paid to secure that position, the University of Toronto has been on a sustainability rampage. With its couple fields of grass and reluctant divestment after historic student camping, UofT and its colleges are beacons for other institutions hoping to greenwash their way to success. Their latest plan for curbing waste: eliminating Trinity College.
While Trinity College was once one of UofT’s most prized possessions, recent research has indicated that Trinity is not at all what it used to be. “To be honest, Trin has proved itself the biggest waste of resources as of late,” said a UofT representative. “It used to put out dependable liberal politicians who would uphold neoliberal hegemony till their dying breath. But, now? Trinity students are all entering into consulting once they graduate. Don’t they know that’s what the Rotman School is for?” Without the ability to churn out graduates who can sit on a fence about every given political issue in parliament, Trinity has proven itself a worthless college.
Richmond Simmons, a political science professor, defended UofT’s decision to eliminate Trinity. “Trinity College doesn’t inspire future defense contractors like it used to. Even though this batch of Trin students lacks a moral backbone just like past generations, they’re all swerving into Rotman territory a bit too much. Plus, you don’t even want to know how much those robes cost. And the fabric they use for it? All I’ll say is we shouldn’t be using the skins of endangered animals for cult activities.”
Much like all their other sustainability projects, this initiative is sure to help ease the climate crisis. The Boundary predicts that eliminating Trinity College will cut UofT’s waste by 84%. In order to get an A on their sustainability project, though, UofT might have to consider cutting Woodsworth too. No one was available to comment on this possibility.