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“All Viruses Matter,” Says Least Helpful Scientist


With the spread of COVID-19 effectively bringing the world to a stop, scientists across the globe have found themselves under immense pressure to research the novel coronavirus in hopes of achieving its containment. That hasn’t stopped a select group of scientists, however, from “seeing the bigger picture.”


Take epidemiologist Rick Morrison, for example. “Don’t get me wrong, COVID-19 is an awful, awful virus which needs to be dealt with,” says Morrison. “But aren’t we giving it a little too much attention? I mean, we’re ignoring all the other viruses that are out there––everything’s COVID this, COVID that, but influenza is just as deadly. Maybe even more so!”


Despite the undeniable mountain of evidence suggesting otherwise, Morrison maintains that the global emphasis placed on COVID-19 spread prevention far outweighs the actual dangers.


“What we have here is the media getting away with flat-out lies,” says Morrison confidently. “You know what they don’t tell you on CNN? The coronavirus actually does most of its damage to fellow cases of the coronavirus. To think we’ve been closing businesses to try and stop this disease...we might as well let the virus just fight itself!”


Despite his clear trepidation about the general response to COVID-19, the epidemiologist claims to believe that the aim to squash the virus is, in fact, a good cause.


“Look, I don’t care if you’re a coronavirus, a Megavirus, an influenza––heck, even a hepatitis virus! At the end of the day a virus is a virus. But it’s about goddamn time we started caring about all viruses––not just the ones that are an ongoing pandemic.”


Photo Credit: luis_molinero

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper