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Americans Relieved They Can Continue Not Wearing Masks



The vaccine rollout in the United States has shown that Americans, when they’re not preoccupied with writing voter fraud fanfic, are capable of teamwork for the betterment of society. The efficiency of America's rollout has even prompted the CDC to release new guidelines stating that fully vaccinated people may roam around in public without masks––The Boundary’s own American correspondent took to the streets to get real, everyday American opinions, straight from their maskless lips.


“Since I’m in my twenties I can’t really get COVID. I’m kinda like, immune, so I never really wore a mask,” said California-native Meg Rosen. “I mean sometimes I wore it on my chin as a fashion statement. But it didn't bring out my features, so I thought it was just best not to.”


Meg, whose parents have recently lost their sense of smell seemingly out of nowhere, stated she wouldn’t be getting the vaccine due to her fear of looking like she wasn’t chill. “The whole mask thing wasn’t really part of my friend group’s aesthetic, so I can’t wait for face-commando to be socially acceptable. I’ll finally stop getting hate on my insta and from my parents.”


Surprisingly, Amy Rowes, an active member of the Pro-Life Action League and Christians for Trump, revealed that she will be wearing a mask in public despite the CDC’s announcement. “Masks are a form of Communist, un-American tyranny created by Satan and the Gap. But, I have been wearing one in order to protect myself from the 5G trackers in people’s vaccines. It was a difficult choice, but one that I felt comfortable making after consulting Jesus and some Facebook groups I’m in.”


Americans everywhere are overjoyed that the government is no longer infringing on their freedom by trying to prevent the spread of a deadly and highly contagious virus. Masks are off, ballparks are full, and 45 mass shootings have taken place in the last month––finally, there is normalcy in America.



Photo Credit: Dental Excellence of Blue Bell

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