"Bisexual" Woman Will Only Date Women On Her List

TORONTO -- After claiming to be “very secure in her bisexuality,” sociology major Aliza Reynolds proclaimed that she would gladly date a woman, provided that they fit a very specific, 47 page criteria outlined in her notebook. According to Reynolds’ roommate Shannon Garcia, every person and quality in her list bears a striking resemblance to her best friend, Isobel Lee, who Reynolds often describes as the “light of [her] life.”

“She says she’ll only date women who listen to Underscores, crochets, enjoy playing tennis, have a mole on their left cheek, have long, dark hair, and look like Havana Rose Liu. That’s literally just Isobel, she just described Isobel,” says an exasperated Garcia. She then went on to explain that Reynolds had rejected numerous potential girlfriends over the years for failing to meet what she calls “perfectly reasonable” standards. 

Reynolds’ ex boyfriend Nikola Hale admitted that he had become accustomed to many of their plans being cancelled because of an “Izzie emergency.” “I figured that’s just how close they were. I stopped questioning it, honestly.”

When being confronted by the Boundary, Reynolds vehemently denies having romantic feelings for Lee. “Of course I don’t like Izzie like that,” Reynolds says. “Yeah, we kiss all the time, say we’re going to get married if we’re both single by 30, and tell each other ‘I love you’ before going to sleep every night, but that’s just what best friends do! But if I were to date a woman she would definitely have to be similar to Izzie, she’s just so thoughtful, sweet, and kind. Last night I dreamt that Izzie and I were…” The Boundary determined that this was an appropriate time to conclude the interview.