RE: The Measles at Our Event

Dear readers,

The Boundary’s recent Burger Bash event was a failure. It was a failure where some people had a good time, with some amazing attendees and volunteers, but it did fail. We’d be remiss if we were to deny that in any way.

We have received multiple reports of measles and other infections after the event, in particular from our super-special MeaslesBurger™. To help your practitioner more easily diagnose the issue, here is a description of how the MeaslesBurger™  was handled: First, we let raw beef patties sit in the sun and under heat lamps for 48 consecutive hours until it smelled just right and had a normal amount of flies. Then, we made sure our food handlers hadn’t washed their hands since they’d last gone to the washroom. Then, for good measure, we made an unvaccinated child with measles cough repeatedly and spit on each burger. Our research using ChatGPT told us that these practices were safe, but we apologize – that was not the standard you were looking for.

We will be giving money to everyone who fills out a Google Form claiming they were affected by the event and we also humbly beg you to spam call Toronto Public Health. We encourage you to harass us into posting longer and more elaborate apologies filled with details you can weaponize for further harassment, like our first and last names, addresses, and Social Insurance Numbers. 

We’re sorry.

DISCLAIMER: THE BOUNDARY IS A SATIRE PUBLICATION. DO NOT HARASS ANYONE INVOLVED WITH THE INCIDENT WE ARE SATIRIZING. HARASSMENT IS A CRIME PUNISHABLE BY LAW. DON’T DO IT.