Search
  • Joseph Strauss

Brockhampton Announces Layoffs Amidst Coronavirus Shutdowns


A private memo obtained by The Boundary reveals that the size of beloved medium-sized business and boy band Brockhampton has been deemed “unsustainable” by upper management, who have also recommended downsizing to cut down on labour costs and get ahead of a looming recession. 


While the group has yet to publicize which of their 29 members will be laid off, teenage boys in overalls across the world are devastated. Many fans anxiously speculate that Cadence “Twix Bars” Hall, the band’s part-time tambourine player and full-time sustenance manager, will be furloughed as part of the cost-cutting measures. Others fear that Albert “Sergeant Broccoli” Munn, Brockhampton’s self-described “hype and support guy” will be axed by the company.


“Casual fans might not care,” says Chaz Kramer, a Brockhampton fanatic and fanny pack enthusiast,“but Sergeant Broccoli is a fucking god, and without him, there is no music.” 


A recent audit estimates that between 5 and 12 members of the boy band will need to be laid off by mid-May, but until further official statements are released, their identities remain purely speculative.



147 views

The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper