Doug Ford: Canada is Not For Sale–Trust Me, I Checked

It’s safe to say that many valid concerns have been raised regarding US President Donald Trump’s desire to annex Canada–especially with the threat of healthcare privatization, increased gun violence, abuse of our natural resources, and no longer having a border coming between us and “alleged” couch-fucker J. D. Vance.

However, in an uncharacteristic display of conviction and compassion for his people, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has taken a stand against the convicted felon’s proposal to make the Great North the 51st state, boldly declaring that Canada is, “unfortunately” not for sale. This statement has raised a litany of other concerns. After one of our correspondents humoured him for half an hour while he bragged about putting overpriced IPAs in every gas station, she finally got a straight answer out of him.

“Listen, it’s no secret that Canada is a wonderful country with so much to offer the world. I’ve actually received a lot of offers–some of which I’ve been able to accept,” Ford said, likely referencing his selling of beloved Ontario landmarks and valuable green space to foreign investors. “It’s frustrating knowing that we have so much more up for grabs that could spark a better bidding war than on any home in Toronto, and we can’t sell any of it. Sucks that we have a constitution, national identity, defined territory, generally positive international relations, and independent statehood.”

While we here at The Boundary denounce Trump’s greed for more geopolitical influence, we are proposing to offer Trinity College and Chestnut Residence if the convicted felon down south is really hungry for some extra land.