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  • Emory Claire Mitchell

Doug Ford Terrified of Second Wave


Rising COVID cases in Toronto have raised fears of a second wavea fear which has taken hold of the city’s leader, Doug Ford. 


“I know everyone is terrified that the worst is yet to come,” began Ford at a press conference on Monday, “but I am going to do my best to ensure Toronto avoids a second wave. I certainly do not want to be anywhere near it, especially without my flamingo floatie. I never learned how to swim,” he admitted, wide-eyed and soaked with sweat. 


When asked about his plan to avoid a second wave, Ford responded, “Everyone knows the best way to avoid hitting another wave is to stop going into crowded, unescapable bodies of water. Thus, I am staying away from beaches. And lakes. Anything deeper than waist-level wading, to be honest. Of course, I urge all Torontonians to do the same.” 


Shortly after the meeting, Ford was seen shoving paddle boards and swim trunks into a hall closet by our senior staffer. 


On whether Ford plans on altering the way the TDSB is opening schools, he responded, “Most of the schools in the city are nowhere near the water. I seriously doubt that it will reach any students, no matter how big this second wave is.” 


While the rest of Toronto might be watching the numbers rise with baited breath, Ford seems content knowing that Queens Park is 3.4km from the waterfront.


Photo Credit: Emory Claire Mitchell


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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper