Eaton Centre Missionary Converts Man to Atheism

SANKOFA SQUARE -- Outside the glorious temple of the dollar at Yonge and Dundas, a humble cleric screams Bible verses into the unconsenting ears of the masses. Selling repentance here is no small feat, probably because the Eaton Centre is actually the secret tenth circle of Hell. It’s hard to imagine that anyone would convert in this ungodly cesspit, but The Boundary’s field reporters have been witness to an act of divine providence.

Matthew Mark St. Luke-John, a devout Christian studying Religion with minors in Christianity & Culture and Cult Leadership experienced a revelation while attending a pray-in against gay frogs in Sankofa Square. He relates:

“I was on my way back from the protest when I heard this booming voice screaming about Armageddon through a megaphone. It was like the Heavens had opened, and the Sovereign Lord of Armies spoke directly to me. At that moment, I understood that I had to make a change in my life.”

Moved by his spiritual experience, Matthew immediately ran to the nearest bookstore to buy a copy of The God Delusion. He is now declaring himself a militant atheist and will be changing his major to Evolutionary Biology “as soon as [he] can learn calculus.” The most difficult part of his sudden salvation? “Giving up communion wine,” he tells us.

Matthew was last seen advertising free abortions across the street from the Sid Smith abortion protesters, seemingly unaware that abortions are already covered by OHIP. The street preacher declined to comment.