
NIAGARA FALLS: The internet super-celebrity and Choeropsis liberiensis, or, Hippopotamus for our feeble mined readers, Moo-Deng is scheduled to be rehomed to a currently quiet facility within 100km of Toronto. This news comes in light of serious abuse allegations, exploitation concerns, and a god awful SNL sketch that was a surprisingly rare L for Bowen Yang.
“We have a really good plan to make sure the little guys star power is handled professionally,” says John Holder, CEO of M. Land industries. “We have a long history of caring for animals along with a below average premature mortality rate*,” Holder stated.
Moo-Deng’s stardom has led to overzealous fans throwing debris at the creature and bugging her at all hours of the day. “This isn’t gonna be a problem for us,” clarified Holder. “I’ve personally made sure her enclosure doesn’t have windows,” he boasted.
To be frank, I personally had no idea what Moo-Deng was before being assigned this report. His name means “Bouncy Pork” in Thai, and I thought that was pretty cute. Why anyone would throw shit at a helpless little creature is beyond me.
“Wait, Pork? do you think we could sell the meat?” Holder whispered to an intern.
*It should be noted this mortality rate is measured for handlers and not the animals.
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