A groundbreaking new study from the University of Toronto, released this morning at 2:16 a.m., "has indisputably proven" that free granola bars can “completely cure anxiety, depression, and all feelings of discomfort.”
The hastily-written, unformatted analysis co-authored by graduate students Doris Hemingway and Peter Fitzgerald seems to show that weekly to monthly consumption of Quaker Chewy® Chocolate Chip Granola Bars (occasionally supplemented by modest amounts of cold coffee) can eliminate even the gloomiest feelings in undergraduates.
U of T News shared the report immediately on all social media platforms and distributed the findings to students over U of T mail.
“We’re unsurprised by these results, and will keep providing plates and plates of this shit to our students at Sidney Smith, Bahen and beyond,” U of T president Meric Gertler said in a press release.