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  • Emmett Zych

Campus Conservatives’ Haunted House Includes Ghosts, Ghouls, Gender-Neutral Bathrooms



As we approach another Halloween full of debauchery and deviance, one campus group is continuing their tradition of trying to show that it's possible to have fun without drugs and alcohol.


This weekend, Heidi Bauer, President of the UofT Campus Conservative organization, announced the club’s second-annual haunted house. She assured prospective visitors that it would be even better than the previous event. “After the incident with the staff trying to unionize last year, we are pleased to announce that all of our volunteers are ready to great you with warm yet chaste smiles,” Bauer said in an Instagram story.


President Bauer also advertised the event in a TikTok, telling followers that the haunted house will have “lots of ghouls and ghosts to frighten our guests! What could be scary than that?” she continued, “I know just how scared of witchcraft I am!”


Gregory Puck, one of the unlucky attendees, wasn’t exactly blown away by the display. “I guess I didn’t realize what the conservative definition of scary was. All the monsters just kept talking about how happy they were to reap the benefits of a socialist economy.”


Bauer admits that there are some changes to be made if they repeat the event next year. “There was one thing in the house that was too scary even for us organizers,” said Bauer. “The gender-neutral bathroom I feel went too far. It’s a family event!” Responding to complaints, Bauer admitted the venue could have been a bit creepier: “I get it, a Church basement is like the most fun place ever! Sure, we had to shut down their soup kitchen for the day, but the homeless need to pull themselves up by the bootstraps! Well, if they have boots, I suppose.”


Whether or not the club leadership will follow-up their house again next year is yet to be decided. “All in all, I think it was pretty scary,” said Bauer. “And another big thank you to Prager-U for sponsoring the house.”


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