Carabiner Shortage Strikes Environmental Studies Classroom

Tragedy struck last Friday in the Earth Sciences building as students in ENV223: Fundamental Environmental Skills received a rather disastrous UTAlert notification. The message read: “Severe shortage of carabiners reported in and around the Earth Sciences building. Students are advised to remain calm. If you have been binging JackieShauna edits to Ethel Cain songs as of late, seek shelter immediately.”

This tragedy, of course, has most impacted the lesbian demographic, which comprises 93.54% of the ENV223 student body, all of whom have an intense attachment to the metal ring. The humble carabiner has long occupied a place of cultural significance within the sapphic community, with its familiar silhouette having become inseparable from the image of the modern lesbian. 

With this context in mind, it comes as little surprise that the shortage left many students in the classroom scrambling, hoping they might stumble upon one lying abandoned. 

Students Rory Collins and Sky Fuller were among those frantically searching, and to their luck, spotted and reached for a comically-large carabiner. Unable to determine who had a greater claim to the carabiner, the two decided to settle the matter through a “Performative Lesbian Contest,” presenting their various credentials. 

Collins led with a pair of Doc Martens, two pronoun pins, a pride bandana, a lesbian pin, two pronoun pins, a flannel, and a rainbow trout named Dr. Baran Al-Hashimi. Fuller countered with two pronoun pins, a Bass Pro Shops hat, a medium-sized pride flag, a pride fan, a carabiner, a CAT hoodie, and several Mary Oliver books. 

While angrily glaring into each other’s eyes, Collins and Fuller gained an appreciation for their common sapphic passion and fell madly in love. Collins tells The Boundary, “my partner and I have decided to share the carabiner, and we’re going to use it for the keys to the apartment we just found. We do need a third roommate though… would you like to join our polycule?” Our reporter decided this was an appropriate time to end the interview and flee the scene.