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  • Robbie Janzen

City Blames Raccoon for Power Outage, Rabies Spike, Housing Crisis

Many of us were affected by the recent power outage that devastated this fine city. After a long, exhaustive, and not at all rushed investigation, we finally have some answers. City authorities have declared that the cause was absolutely not human incompetence, but rather a raccoon messing with the wires. They have also blamed the raccoons for the recent spike in rabies as well as Toronto’s deepening housing crisis.

In regards to the rabies, the evidence seems pretty straightforward. “There aren’t many other animals that carry rabies at as high of a rate as raccoons do,” said local doctor Meredith House, “Unless you count bats, and there are none in Toronto. This isn’t Transylvania.” 

When it comes to the housing crisis, city councilman Gerard Baker had this to say: “Most people wouldn’t expect raccoons to be the cause of something like this. When you really look at things with a close eye, though, it couldn’t be more obvious. I mean, these guys are so depraved that they eat garbage, so messing with the housing market is definitely not beneath them.” 

When asked if he had any evidence that this correlation wasn’t circumstantial, Baker said, “Well, not necessarily, but you’re missing the point. The point is that the housing crisis is not the city’s fault, and the city government should not be blamed whatsoever.” At that point, Baker attempted to shift the conversation to his upcoming reelection campaign, although our Boundary correspondent stopped recording by then. In terms of action to stop these furry scoundrels, the city has announced that it will be unleashing large quantities of snakes into the wild to hunt them and keep the population down.

“Frankly, I’m not surprised that the raccoons got into the wiring,” said an anonymous employee at the local power plant. “We haven’t received proper funding in years. If there’s a hole in the fence, we have to use tape and cardboard, and we can only afford to buy one rodent trap. And I tell ya, it gets pretty gross having to clean it out every time.”



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