Conflicting Campus Communists Clash at Clubs Fair, 10 Dead

Four Communists, three Revolutionary Communists, two American Communists, and one Anarcho-Communist, all of them U of T students, died today in a brawl at the University of Toronto Clubs Fair.

It began innocently enough. Angela Jennings, a Rotman Commerce student and member of the Revolutionary Communist Party of Canada (RCP) had been lecturing first years on how they were “comrades” who must fight the ills of capitalism, as is standard at the Clubs Fair, and asked the students for a ten dollar “solidarity donation.” However, the organisers had made the mistake of placing the tables of the RCP and the Communist Party of Canada (CPC) next to one another, and one CPC representative, Leo Trotsky, barged into the conversation, declaring that the Revolutionary Communist Party not participating in elections showed they were ineffective and doomed to failure, and that the first year should give the “solidarity donation” the the CPC instead. 

Jennings proceeded to call the CPC “tankies with a poor electoral track record”, leading Trotsky to retaliate by labeling the RCP as “fake revolutionaries.” In response Jennings threw a copy of Das Kapital, to which Trotsky responded by throwing a copy of Stalin’s Concerning Anti-Soviet Elements, and the confrontation soon devolved into members of the CPC and RCP hitting each other with tomes of leftist theory.

Shortly thereafter, members of the Communist Party of America Club raised high their copies of Quotations from Chairman Mao and brought them down on RCP heads, saying they were “offering critical support” to the CPC. At the same time a group of local Anarchists (who were not registered to be at the Clubs Fair, as they refused to interact with structures supported by the state) offered the same to the RCP, wielding Kropotkin’s Mutual Aid. 

“It was a lot of red,” Said Isla Douglas, one of the students whose conversation with Jennings had begun the brawl, “I wasn’t even planning on giving them a donation, I’m more of a Socialist than a Communist.”

After two hours of fighting, ten of the brawling comrades had died of papercuts and blunt force trauma, and those who remained agreed to end their fighting until after “the Revolution” had overthrown capitalism.