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  • Robbie Janzen

Crossing Guard Accused of Human Trafficking

We all like to think that we know the people around us. That people who seem normal aren’t hiding any dark secrets beneath the surface. However, that’s not always the case. Indeed, people who appear to be law-abiding citizens and fixtures of the community can turn out to be hardened criminals. Just yesterday, local crossing guard Sol Pizzagate [Pit-zah-gah-tay] was arrested for having trafficked hundreds of minors outside of Central Technical School.

“Let me tell ya, we’re dealing with a real sicko here,” said Sergeant Bobby Fuzz of the Toronto Police Service in between bites of a donut. “Most guys arrested for this do it on the side, you know, to avoid too much suspicion. This fella, however, was trafficking almost every day. Had a really tight routine with it, too. He would be hanging out by the same spot every time he went about his trafficking ways. Almost as if it was his job.” When asked why it took so long to make an arrest, Fuzz paused, wiped crumbs off his mustache, and claimed he had to leave to do some paperwork. 

The Boundary interviewed an anonymous high school student who was supposedly trafficked by Pizzagate. “I would have never expected him to be a criminal,” the student said. “He always carried himself in a normal way. Always smiling and helpful. Looking back, I realize it was probably all an act.” After Sol’s arrest, school officials have noted that there has been a stark increase in accidents involving students and cars. The community is looking into local solution, including possibly employing AI tech. A proponent on the PTA affirms that “technology never did anything bad.”

“I don’t get what everyone is making such a fuss about,” said Pizzagate in a phone call from the local jail. “It’s not like this is a new thing. Each and every one of us was trafficked at some point when we were in school. Nobody made a fuss back then. What has our country come to?” He even claimed that there were many more like him not just in Toronto, but all across the country. “I’m not exaggerating. Go to any school in Canada, and there’ll be someone outside trafficking kids. Are you gonna arrest all of them too?”



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