Easy Job: Make Money by Walking to Class, Distributing Heroin
With inflation on the rise and job scarcity scaring the city, students are on the hunt for some way to finance their pesky eating and staying alive habit. To their relief, they won’t yet have to turn to online get-rich-quick schemes; flyers posted around campus advertise a super easy way to bring in the big bucks.
On his way to his first Theories of Walking lecture, Kinesiology Student Jordan D’Cunha waltzed right into a street pole. After a quick concussion self-assessment and the realization that he should have done this week’s reading, D’Cunha looked up, finding that he had stumbled directly into an ‘Easy Job’ street flyer. “It was like a sign,” said Jordan “This job was meant for me. I love easy stuff.”
Two days later, Jordan received an email back from the address listed on the flyer and got to work immediately. “It’s so easy,” he boasted “All I have to do is walk to class. I literally walk to class all the time—even when I’m hungover. The only other thing I need to do is carry around a teensy bit of H/smack in my backpack.”
According to his accountant dad who thinks Jordan got a job at the Athletic Centre, D'Cunha has earned a whopping $13,000 since the start of the semester. The prince-pin enthusiastically explains his passion for the side hustle, explaining how it has taught him more life lessons than he would’ve learnt in a classroom: “This job has taught me how to work with money. You know, how to count it, get it, spend it. This will actually be useful for me when I start working at my dad’s accounting firm. He said I could start right out of university but I have to convince my mom not to divorce him. With this job experience on my resume, I’m sure I can handle that.”
As enticing as this venture may seem, there are certain risks involved. Jordan mentioned to our Boundary correspondent that he has developed a taste for the “sweet-sweet brown sugar.” He also “lightly” stabbed the reporter for “sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.”