First Year Adopts UC Squirrel, Dies of Rabies

Tragedy has struck the St. George campus today as incoming first year Aaron Gonzales-Fukuyama was pronounced dead by his medical team after adopting one of the squirrels on the UC quad. Friends, family, and UC Orientation Execs have gathered for a candlelight vigil to which The Boundary has dispatched our least sensitive reporter.

“He was just so sweet, I can’t believe he’s gone!” says floormate Elaine Principe, “All he wanted to do was help animals, and now nobody knows who will care for Fred!” The Boundary’s investigations team has received a tip from anonymous sources that Fred is the identity of the murderous squirrel.

UC Residence Don Geronimo Flump comments, “We literally told them in the key contract that pets were not permitted. Did he consider the amount of paperwork this would cause me?”

While medical experts have confirmed the cause of death to be a rabies infection, which takes 1-2 weeks to develop and could not have come from Fred, Gonzales-Fukuyama’s family is reportedly inconsolable, and have declared intent to seek vengeance upon rodents of all shapes, sizes, and tax brackets. When pressed for clarification on this last point, we were told that the guilty squirrel reportedly keeps large overseas acorn caches in Switzerland and the Cayman Islands. It is also alleged that Fred the Squirrel may be connected to Russian arms dealers in Cyprus and Monaco. Yevgeniy Prigozhin could not be reached for comment due to being dead.

At press time, Fred the Squirrel has been declared a Tier 1 security threat, and the RCMP have declared him Canada’s Most Wanted Squirrel. The Canadian Federation of Squirrel Oligarchs declined to comment.