Gym Bro Petitions AC to Add Protein to Water Fountain

ATHLETIC CENTRE -- “They don’t understand that some of us are really on that grind, you know?” says a visibly distressed Jake Rodriguez. Jake is a third year Economics specialist, but he claims that his real expertise is in nutrition and strength training. Mid-interview, he offered our reporter a beef jerky stick.

Rodriguez has gained a small following on what was formerly known as Twitter, uniting athletes over a novel grievance with the Athletic Centre: plain water in the water fountains, rather than a protein-fortified beverage. Athletes, health influencers and food brands have recently been hit with a “protein craze,” an intense focus on maximizing daily protein intake for muscle health. Critics of the dietary trend point out the dangers of red meat-heavy diets, certain ultraprocessed protein snacks, and becoming distracted from other aspects of a balanced meal. 

Jake admits that he has heard these concerns, but claims that he needs to prioritize protein over a balanced diet. “If my muscles aren’t big enough, Greg will think I’m a weak little shrimp and I want him to think I’m strong because he’s so cool with his big muscles and sometimes I dream about getting in the shower with him after the gym and touching his muscles and him touching my muscles and….” Our reporter stopped listening after that. 

We reached out to the Athletic Centre Customer Service Team to inquire about possible facility changes influenced by Rodriguez’s demands. “Hah, that guy is fun,” they responded. “We joked that we’d add glyphosate to the water if he requested, and he asked about the protein content per litre. At first we thought he was a prank caller inspired by Idiocracy, but after that we realized he was serious.”

Jake was last seen giving But I’m a Cheerleader a 5 star-review on Letterboxd.