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  • Sammy Edwards

Innovative Bully Introduces Contact-Free Delivery of Knuckle Sandwiches

If you’ve been reading the paper lately, it should come as no surprise that social distancing (among other COVID-19 prevention measures) has taken away many simple bullying pleasures. One could not give out a single supreme wedgie or dangle an innocent first grader’s backpack way above their reach without violating numerous COVID-19 protocols. This is what inspired Butch Connors, schoolyard bully and part-time dick older brother, to innovate the first ever contact-free delivery of knuckle sandwiches.

Connors was worried that local bullying would become yet another victim to the COVID-19 pandemic when an idea hit him like his fist to the face of the class nerd: offering contact-free after-school poundings.

When asked by The Boundary to explain this new process, Connors detailed:

“It’s actually quite simple. First we’ll arrange a meeting. Usually I’ll yell at you, ‘My fists. Your face. After school.’ Then, after making sure you didn’t tell any teachers, we’ll stand six feet apart while you, that’s right, you, get to punch your own face until you’re knocked out or you’ve ruined your pants. Whichever comes first.”

Proving that he’s a local bully worth supporting, Connors is prioritizing safety by refusing cash payments. That’s right, you can e-transfer him your lunch money before delivery and even leave your finished math homework as a tip.

If you think Connors is done there, you’re sadly mistaken. On top of the contact-free knuckle sandwich delivery, Connors is offering the option for him to describe how sexual intercouse with your mom last night was, free of charge.

Photo Credit: health enews



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