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Kin Student Hotter Than You

Charles Spurr was strutting along Dundas Street West on Tuesday afternoon - smoothly and suavely, without a care in the world - until something stopped him in his tracks: his own reflection.


“I was caught up in the new Bombay Bicycle Club album, but I snapped out of it immediately,” the second-year Sociology Specialist told The Boundary.


Spurr said that he was “pretty jacked up” about looking so “fly,” and took a few moments to gaze into the darkened passenger-side window of a parked 2018 Honda CR-V.


To “touch up his look” Spurr said he took his pinky and his pointer finger, licked the inside tips of them, and smoothed out his eyebrows.


As Spurr stared longingly at his own reflection, a second figure - a handsomer, trimmer, chicer figure - passed through Spurr’s field of vision.


This mysterious figure was Mitchell “Biff” Albers, a second-year Kinesiology Major who witnesses say was not only taller than Spurr, but hotter.


“Seeing that goddamned son-of-a-bitch [Albers] just took the wind out of my sails,” Spurr said, red-eyed and trembling. “I figure I’m probably a 7 or 8 on a good day, and that rating increases as I get closer to campus. But this ‘Kin Lad’ is a 10, no two ways about it, and I have to compete with him.”



When The Boundary reached out for comment from Albers, he accepted, albeit unconventionally.


Twenty-four hours after our request, a cement block - with a Crayon-scrawled note attached to it - was biffed through the main window of The Boundary’s ritzy Spadina Avenue HQ.


“I Know I’m Hot,” the note reads. “And Everyone Else Knows I’m Hot, Too.”


Photo Credit: Spencer Gilbert

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper