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Emmett Zych

Squirrel Succumbs to No Nut November, Dies

As many of the nation’s youth come together, or rather, cease coming together, not all groups are pleased with the annual observance of No Nut November. The holiday, that I for one have never participated in willingly, has led to unforeseen drawbacks to some of our most vulnerable groups.


“I don’t know how much longer I can take it,” Said Kevin Acornson, prominent member of the squirrel community at the greenspace of Trinity College. “My children haven’t eaten in weeks, all because of a simple miscommunication. It’s despicable.”


Acornson was interviewed by Boundary journalists a few days back, his testimony challenged by his emaciated form. “My youngest, Alexandria, cant’t even complete her studies. She’s too tired from not having her nut,” Acornson continued. While the squirrels around campus usually look mere inches away from death, the situation is truly becoming dire, with squirrel populations about to make a stark decline from last year.


“I didn’t even think people still did this shit,” Acornson continued. “It’s not like anyone here was getting laid in the first place. And how much is a bag of peanuts?” It’s clear the impotence of UofT, particularly Trinity, students is once again causing disruptions on campus, but how can we group together to beat this problem?


“We should all get together and fuck for these squirrels,” comments local fraternity president Dick Richardson. “We gonna organize an orgy or some shit. No seniors.”


If you’d like to help efforts for the squirrels, please send the Boundary clips of your latest conquests for the squirrels, or send us some money. 









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