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  • Robbie Janzen

Student Writing Exam in Church Basement Accidentally Baptized

Exam season can be a stressful time for many students. Between the late-night studying and almost toxic number of coffees, it’s a wonder anyone makes it through at all. For one pious man, however, this time of year has brought about something far more important than any final paper: the gift of eternal salvation.

Third-year Classics student Luther Martin was in for quite a surprise when he went to take his end-of-term exam. “I thought it was a little odd that the exam took place in a church basement,” sermonizes Martin, “but I just figured that the university’s 121 other buildings were all full. Either way, I’d never complain about having some stained glass to look at while I write.” Upon entering the resting room, however, he quickly found out the true reason for this unusual testing location. “The door to the exam room was slightly ajar, and when I walked through, this bucket full of water came crashing down on my head. Before I knew it, some old dude had jumped out from behind a statue of the 11th Station of the Cross, murmured some Latin mumbo-jumbo, and yelled, ‘Ecce Homo! You’re a Catholic now!’” Thankfully, the exam proctors had a spare set of clothes on hand, but Martin reports that they looked suspiciously similar to an altar boy's uniform. 

“In spite of it all,” preaches Martin, “I’m kind of looking forward to my new righteous life. Lent is definitely something I’ll have to get used to, and getting up in time for 9 am Mass is going to be a real test of my faith. But on the bright side, now it’s socially acceptable for me to drink wine before noon as long as it’s on Sunday.”

The Boundary, ever in search of new methods for indoctrination, sought to learn more about this practice of surprise baptism. We found our answers from Father O'Farrell, the mastermind behind this tactic and a former gag-man for the Three Stooges. “For some inexplicable reason,” explains O'Farrell, narrowly avoiding a pie to the face,  “the church has seen dwindling numbers lately, especially among the youth. Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

When asked whether or not it was difficult to obtain enough holy water for the bucket, O’Farrell insisted that according to canon law, holy water can be any liquid so long as it has been blessed by a priest. Despite his offer to help us with a blessing, when our correspondent brought forth JUUL pod, his eminence refused.



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