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  • Keah Sharma

Tenured Prof Almost Senile Enough To Be US President



After a string of oopsies by United States President Joe Biden, the American public has grown worried about his age and mental state. Described as a “well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory” in a recent report, it’s no surprise that Biden’s memory and abilities have come under such scrutiny. More important, however, is what this means for UofT’s hoard of elderly tenured professors; could it finally be their time to run for US president too? 


75-year-old political science professor Dr. Raymond White is described as having some uncanny similarities to sitting President Biden and could be on the road to taking his place. Dr. White is reported to have repeated his lecture on “The Greatest Day in History: Christopher Columbus Discovers America” four weeks in a row, walked into a Biology tutorial and lectured unprompted, and murmured about “kids these days” to himself in the halls of Sid Smith. While Dr. White hasn’t fallen asleep at COP26, he is surely on his way to more senile activities that could qualify him for president.


Having been tenured for over three decades, Dr. White calls himself “a traditionalist,” solely using textbooks from the 1990s and ensuring the so-called woke agenda does not permeate the bounds of his classroom. Given UofT’s exceptionally equitable and fair tenure process, historically unblemished by outside stakeholders of any kind—particularly in the Faculty of Law—it seems that most tenured professors might also be great fits for the US presidency. 


The gerontocracy in Washington, D.C. is expected to welcome Dr. White with open arms, citing his diligence to American ideals and his commitment to no societal change. But, between 81-year-old Biden and 77-year-old Trump, 75-year-old White’s youthfulness could hold him back—perhaps in two years, he will be up to par with the mental acuity of his boomer brethren.

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