TTC Installs Barriers at TMU Station to Protect Passengers from Soundcloud Rappers

After a long wait, the much-needed safety improvement is here: the TTC has begun installing protective barriers on subway platforms! As the first barriers were installed at TMU Station, The Boundary sat down with an anonymous insider to discuss the changes.

“Essentially, we were getting a lot of complaints about passengers boarding at TMU. White guys from Vaughan who just discovered Soundcloud, Mormon missionaries, and the academically mediocre denizens of Toronto’s upper middle class are just some of the many threats that can seriously harm or injure our customers. Why, just last week, Azaria El-Shahhad, an English major from U of T, was found dead on the platform after overhearing an overly simplistic reading of Charlotte’s Web!” said the source. 

The steel barriers are approximately 4 feet tall, the average height of a TMU student, and bar passengers from boarding or exiting the train at the station. TTC passengers interviewed by The Boundary are already expressing satisfaction. 

“OH MY GOD IT’S AN ARTIST, RUN FOR YOUR LIV– oh, false alarm, it’s just a reporter. No comments without my lawyer, thank you,” said Odette von Swissenwatch III, Rosedale bon-vivante.

Not everyone is pleased, however. Marco Vespucci-Antonini degli Uomini Sporchi di Santa Maria, who plays hockey for the TMU Bold, says, “Bro, how am I gonna [sic] get to the game now? Don’t get me wrong, bro, I hate the TTC bro, it’s so dangerous bro, you know what I mean? Thing is [sic], bro, there’s nowhere to park my daddy’s Cadillac downtown, bro!” 

When asked for comment, TMU’s administration responded that it would retaliate by unilaterally renaming Yonge Street to TMU Avenue. Google Maps has confirmed that it is preparing to make the changes visible to users in the GTA.