U of T Hires Satan to Install New HVAC in Convocation Hall

CONVOCATION HALL -- Built in 1907, the University of Toronto’s Convocation Hall did not get an air conditioning system until its 90th anniversary in 1997. Unfortunately, as Toronto’s weather became hotter and hotter, this upgrade has struggled to keep up with the heat in the building. Many students complained, and while few ever expected the university to take action on the matter, it is safe to say that most now agree, with temperatures of nearly 1000°C, that it would have been better if they hadn't.

While UofT has yet to make a statement about the reception of the new system, the handyman has proudly come forward to discuss his work for the university. Responsible for installing the new HVAC, Satan brags about his craftsmanship: “Yeah, it’s gotta’ be some of my finest work. I wouldn’t even call it an HVAC! The thing’s only got heatin’, so it’s mostly an H.”

When asked about the negative responses, he answers, "Ugh, it wasn’t bad enough. I might add some pyrotechnics next summer to really get ‘em sweatin’. I’ll go for some other buildings, too. Regis College and the Exam Centre, to start.”

Regarding the student responses in question, the Boundary contacted students for comment.

 “When I first heard of the upgrade,” 3rd-year anthropology major Jane Tempest comments, “I was excited! Gosh, I’d been skipping lectures because of the heat… but when I finally attended one since the new HVAC was installed, the water from my water bottle instantly evaporated, and I almost sweated enough to fill it back up! I’m just going to watch the recordings.” Unfortunately, the heat in the building fried the camera and Con Hall’s lectures have since been unable to be recorded. Some students show concern for Satan. 1st-year Grace Brown worries, “I think he spent too much time in Con Hall installing that thing… it looks like the heat’s made him go red…”à

Nevertheless, the unanimous consensus (excluding one student who has been caught attempting to tan nude in the hall) is that Satan’s H(VAC) needs to go. Unfortunately, UofT seems to have no intention of reversing this change. Perhaps the university opted for Satan’s services in the first place because of his absurdly cheap rates—in his words: “I just do it for the love of the game! Hah, just kidding. It’s a favour in return for letting me take the souls of their engineering students.” Either that, or UofT is experimenting with new ways to encourage drop-outs.