UTSU Candidate Assembles War Room to Target Commuter Vote
It’s that time of the year again when political science students vie for what will be the most important leadership position of their lives: Students' Union membership.
Most candidates this year appear to be running similar vanilla platforms. All are making the same feasible promises to single-handedly abolish tuition, establish world peace, and tear down Kelly Library. Third-year Poli-Sci major and Assistant Deputy candidate, Richard Weiner, however, has put together an emergency war room in pursuit of the most lucrative goal in UTSU history: inform commuters about the election.
“It’s been a pretty grueling campaign,” explains Weiner, who has recently been spotted pacing the hallways of Goldring Centre putting up attack posters smearing the other candidates' reputation and family's dignity. “The other candidates have already secured their friends’ votes, but if I can get four, maybe five commuters on my side, I’ll win this election by a landslide.”
“Honestly, I didn’t know we had a Students' Union. I wonder if they do anything for the student body,” undecided voter Matt Baker pondered. Another student commented on UTSU’s low voter turnout: “Don’t members represent like 0.001% of the student population? And don’t they get paid, like, $25k a year for it?”
As the election period draws to a close, only time will tell who will secure a coveted UTSU position… and who will permanently bear the burden of a failed political career.