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  • El Chrapko

Virgin Keeners Take Over Sex Rooms



It’s that time of the year again, with upcoming exams causing rising tensions in the student body. But much to their dismay, pent-up students flocking to the libraries to relieve their stresses have been horrified to witness inappropriate use of the bookable rooms.


The secret sanctuaries, once utilized only by veteran sex-havers, have been overrun by socially awkward academics who would rather stay up all night with a textbook. As the academic year approaches its climax, the beloved campus sex rooms have been besieged by virgin loners whose only experience with grinding is strictly scholarly. 


Lily Wilde, victim of academic blue-balling, voices her frustrations: “They’re totally out of line for using the rooms for that. Like, do people have no shame? This should be kept behind closed doors, at home!”


Loner 4.0 student Norman Johnson understands her rage. “I know it’s a little indecent. I would rather grind at home too,” he admits, “But its not fair that they get the use the rooms all the time. It's almost exam season after all, isn’t it my turn for a little fun?”


The misuse of the bookable rooms is causing growing unrest on campus, with a stand-off between a group of nerds and a posse of baddies at Robarts Common ending only due to the building’s closing. To stave off the anxiety in the student body, virgin keeners are encouraged to leave those rooms for people who actually need them. 

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