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  • Joseph Strauss

Wario of Friend Group Definitely Not Getting Laid

While pandemic containment continues to restrict nightlife and partying, many students in each other’s “bubble” plan on dressing up and, in a more intimate setting than usual, keeping up the Halloween party tradition. 

“It’s gonna be lit,” says Adam Tolleson, a Vic student whose tight-knit friend group is dressing as the iconic Super Mario foursome. “The boys are going hard this year.” 

“Yeah… Adam’s going as Wario,” says Michael, the friend group’s Mario, in an almost apologetic tone. “Poor guy doesn’t know what he signed up for.”

Adam, who describes himself as “more of a casual, Mario Kart Wii type guy,” felt a special connection with Wario due to their shared qualities, such as their harrowingly deep voices, affinity for yellow hats, and visible body odour. While WarioMario’s arch-rivalis known for his disproportionately bulbous pink nose and generally terrifying face, Adam feels confident that his own attractiveness will shine through the unflattering costume. “I think it'll be 15-Love in some two-player Mario Tennis tonight, if you know what I mean,” he flirtatiously added with a raised caterpillar eyebrow. 

“I almost feel bad for the guy,” Michael adds. “Wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot pole.”

A recent survey conducted by the Sociological Journal of the Super Mario Franchise (SJSMF) found that, among all male characters in the Mario canon universe, Wario is ranked 46th in terms of sex appeal. This puts him behind such characters as Waluigi, Bowser, King Boo and, amazingly, the Piranha Plants. 

“We’re all trying to be nice to him,” says Michael. “God knows he needs it.”

Photo Credit: Pinterest (Ty)



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