Toronto, ON: The mild-mannered inhabitants of the E.J. Pratt Library's Reading Room were exposed to a volley of ear-splitting apple chomps early yesterday afternoon. The thundering bites echoed throughout the well-lit sanctuary, rattling even the most engaged residents.
Battling hunger pains and boredom, the alleged perpetrator Rachel Yang apparently went elbow-deep into her bag, extracted a 120-calorie treat and viciously indulged. "The sounds. . .those chomps. . . it sounded like a ravished hyena had located its first meal in months. Fuck," asserted Marty Vandelay, a witness.
"It's a micro-aggression, plain and simple," declared the Victoria College Dean's Office.