Medieval Studies Major Gets Plague for "Research"

In a school as competitive as UofT, students are known to go to extreme lengths for a good research opportunity, even if it puts their life at risk. This unfortunate stereotype has been proven this semester by third-year medieval studies major Arthur Chaucer. He’s coughing and hacking like many other students this time of year. However, Chaucer doesn’t just have any normal cold; he has intentionally contracted The Plague. To learn more about this baffling choice, one of our brave correspondents wore a HAZMAT suit and sat down with Chaucer for an interview.

“Unfortunately, modern advancements in medicine and public sanitation have made it really tricky to get The Plague. Thanks to the middling of the World Health Organization, it’s pretty hard to find,” he explained, pausing to cough up blood, “but not impossible. You just need to know where to look. Luckily, I know a guy in northern Arizona who is good at catching rats.” When asked about the time cost of finding and exposing oneself to The Plague, a trembling and fever-ridden Chaucer coughed up more blood before shrugging. “I only have class twice a week, so I can dedicate my efforts to getting infected. On the days I have off, I sit in a bathtub and Fred covers me in rats. Fred’s the rat guy.” 

Chaucer admits that the intense physical demands of his research have been taking away from his hobby of heckling the local renaissance fair, which he hopes will prepare him for success in Introduction to Renaissance Fair Inaccuracies (MST327) when he takes it next semester.

Despite its rarity, bubonic plague (yersinia pestis), the bacterial disease responsible for the medieval pandemic known as the Black Death, can still be found in other parts of the world. It is caused by fleas commonly carried by rats and other vermin, with symptoms including coughing, shortness of breath, sudden chills, high fever, headaches, abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting–and, most notoriously, the lumpy, swollen, and leaky pus-fill lymph nodes known as “buboes” that lend their name to the disease. Though it can be cured with antibiotics, untreated bubonic plague is often fatal. 

When asked why he would risk his life for a thesis statement on an undergrad paper, Chaucer bristled. “Well, what else was I supposed to do?” Chaucer lamented, shivering profusely and dabbing at the pus of a burst bubo on his neck. “Research is my only career option. If The Plague doesn’t leave me bedridden, I may end up working at the Dairy Queen managed by Fred the rat guy.” 

Chaucer showed The Boundary another bubo near his throat during the interview that he has measured. “This one is promising–three centimetres. There’s another one on my armpit that’s nearly seven centimetres. This field research is going to look so good on my grant applications. Mark my words, I’m going to be the most successful Plague Armpit and 1349 Fashion scholar in all of Ontario–maybe even the world!”

At press time, Campus Health and Wellness have disappeared Chaucer and his whereabouts are currently unknown.