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  • Daniel Aykler

Football Team Tricked into Surprise Conversion Unit at Goldring Gym

On Monday night, the University of Toronto football team was “ambushed” by a surprise mathematics quiz while training at the newly-renovated Goldring Centre for High Performance.

In an exam consisting of ten sets of two reps of short-answer questions, players had to convert their previous workout routines from pounds to kilograms. Waterboy Terry Wile reported that the coaching staff organized the exam so that the team could satisfy a looming breadth requirement and “keep chuckin’ that pigskin, baby[!]”

The largely American team was distressed by the higher-order calculations required, despite having the formula clearly laid out in Appendix A of the exam.

The switch to the metric system has left the jocks feeling as though they were stuck in “like, fucking, like, Switzerland or something.”

Exam invigilators report observing “rage, confusion, and lactation” from the athletes, half of which believed they had gotten 2.2x weaker since leaving the Athletic Centre, the usual (imperial) training spot.

“How am I only putting up 80 pounds on bench?” said tenth-year quarterback, Joe Cabot Lodge. I blew some fat clouds last weekend but I didn’t think they’d sabotage my lifts this hard, bro.”

On Wednesday, the head coach emailed the results to the players; the median grade was a dismal 45%. Tragically, players believed that they had to convert that figure too, and celebrated, however briefly, their 99% average. The team’s wiry kicker was the lone stand-out, boosting the average by a full point with his “Einsteinian” 75%.

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