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  • Kevin Yin

Trinity Student Beheaded After Questioning High Table Attire

Gasps, glares, and gore were abundant Wednesday as Henry Wotton Eggsworth-Puddington’s pudgy head rolled down the front steps of Trinity College during an otherwise serene High Table feast.

The crime was a fatal inquiry into a Trinity tradition: “Why do I have to wear an $300 XL Victorian gown to eat supper on a school night? Isn’t this a bit much, guys?”

As a result, Eggsworth-Puddington was publicly executed in accordance with Trinity College High Table bylaws.

Critics, who spoke out against brutally murdering High Table dissenters, have been outspoken about possible human rights infringements, but Trinity College third-year Cornelius Wilhelm remains unperturbed.

“What the hell does the UN know? High Table is an ancient tradition that goes back centuries, probably millennia,” Wilhelm noted, standing next to the freshly bloodied guillotine.

“Just like they burned Joan of Arc when her womanly emotions got out of hand, we have to lay down the law here for our Trin boys. ‘Hate on the gown, chop off the crown. Do too much talkin’, we lob off your noggin.’ That’s how the sayings go.”

Some also targeted the method of execution in their criticism, arguing it was “medieval” and “probably out of place in a college environment.”

Reddit users have questioned whether or not “capital punishment still has a place in 2018,” and are openly asking “where [the Trin executives] even found a fucking guillotine.”

According to Wilhelm, it was a Wilhelm family heirloom, used by his great-great-grandfather against captured proto-Victoria College usurpers in the 1850s.

Quoting his great-great-grandfather, Wilhelm said, “sometimes the only language people understand is violence.”

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