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  • Jack Mageau

Mysterious, Uncontacted Tribe Kills Knox College Missionary

In a tragic turn of events, Knox College student Luther McDougall was killed under a shower of arrows and spears after embarking on a mission to convert the isolated, mysterious, and hostile tribe of Chestnut Residence.

McDougall, who was in the second year of his Master’s of Divinity at Knox College, set out on the long, southbound journey via University Avenue with nothing more than a backpack, a cross, and the word of God.

The tribe, located miles away from any semblance of civilization, is believed to have originated at the St. George Campus However, in 2003, for unknown reasons, the clan was pushed south to a newer, more isolated outpost.

The university administration has rendered it nearly impossible to communicate with the reclusive, cut-off residence. Linguists at the university have been “unable” to decipher the cries and yells of the residents, and have harbored deep suspicions of hostility since the group’s controversial relocation.

The volatile residents have been known to antagonize outsiders. In 2012, a plumber coming to fix a common room sink was greeted by a battalion of Chestnut warriors who drove him away by beating him with clubs and engineering textbooks. Foreign aid has been largely rejected, save for a set of aluminum cookware and a six pack of Pabst Blue-Ribbon.

The University of Toronto’s anthropology department has been in communication with Chestnut in an effort to retrieve McDougall’s body. Perhaps sensing opportunity, and relishing their time in the spotlight, the department has capitalized on their newfound celebrity. During a press conference, the department began passionately pleading to the world to “recognize anthropology as a real field of study,” and asked their parents to return their phone calls.

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