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  • Daniel Aykler

Apt. 200 Bouncer Hired to Maintain Ratio in Robarts Stacks

Timothy DeMaurizio stands huddled in the lobby of Robarts Library awaiting entry to the highly-coveted stacks. It’s 9:48pm and, despite his early arrival, a slew of eager nerds have beat him to the front of the line.

Admittance to the ultra-exclusive study space has dwindled since the hiring of the remorseless Apt. 200 bouncer.

Apt. 200 bouncers are tough, chosen for their advanced ability to completely ignore those under the age of 25, and their absolute obliviousness to the integrity of a civilized queue.

University administrators say that the library needs to maintain a steady stream of “4.0s in order to remain atop the worldwide university rankings.”

After waiting for 35 minutes, Timothy knew he was in for “a rough night”. The staff made it clear that they would only accept students with a 3.7 GPA or higher. Timothy’s grade point average on program-specific courses had hovered around a respectable 3.55 for quite some time, but last semester’s ill-advised attempt at CSC108 sent his GPA plummeting to an E.J. Pratt-level 3.3.

Timothy’s friend Eric Dwyer was also prepping for a long night. Eric, a vastly underqualified double-major in Neurobiology and Finance, was completely oblivious to the reality of the situation. Timothy and his colleagues knew it, but no one said a word: Eric’s 2.8 was going to hold up the entire group for the evening.

At around the 90-minute mark, Tim observed a pack of 3.9s and one 4.0 strut past the line and into the elevator. They were happily escorted to the 11th floor with a reserved table awaiting them.

Just as Timothy and his group of friends were coming up on their second hour in line--in the heart of exam season no less--the bouncer declared that he will be admitting no more people as his ratio is, “completely and utterly mucked”. Although the bouncer did suggest an alternate solution in that they “check out Gerstein! I think they have something going on tonight”.

Photo credit: Emory Claire Mitchell

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