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  • Sam Heritage & Will Stoecker

Victoria Students Forced to Uncuff


As southern Ontario was rocked by a ice storm Wednesday, Vic student Simon Finkle, 21, was stuck between a rock and a hard place—choosing between the destruction of a well curated and seemingly ‘effortless’ outfit, and the looming threat of hypothermia.

Begrudgingly beginning with the unrolling of his toque, it was already obvious he no longer deserved the title of Book and Media Studies Specialist. “No one, and I literally mean no one, would let me sit next to them at Caffiend’s… I had never been the black sheep before.”

While other Victoria College students have also conceded to mother nature, they are in the minority. Preserving one’s warmth comes at price: ostracization.

We reached out to 4th Year student and part-time ankle model, Olivia Lantz, who confirmed, “I just don’t understand how he could do something like that, this is motherfucking Victoria College, and he’s just gonna waltz on in here with fully uncured attire?! I think the absolute fuck not. Empress Atwood is quaking in embarrassment right now...”

By the end of he day—with his toque, corduroys, and 80s band tour t-shirts lengthened to their limits—he was simply just not prepared to brave the elements. Simon’s dignity rolled itself down like the sleeves of his faded, second–hand flannel.

The Boundary wishes Simon a speedy recovery to his ego and social status; stay cozy out there folks.


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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper