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  • Nona Jalali

Varsity Has Clearly Never Eaten 'Beef Bagels' at Burwash


On September 29, The Varsity published an article which weighed the pros and cons of living in residence, concluding that even with the cost of residence, the resulting experience was worth it.

Crucially, The Varsity failed to consider that residence occasionally subjects students to a meal as infamous as it is indulgent, and enticing as it is revolting: the Beef Bagel.

If you haven’t had the pleasure of consuming one of these classic residence treats, make your way down to Ned’s Café at the end of the day, when they’ve run out of burger buns.

When the barista asks if a bagel substitute is 'okay' (and you’ve decided that you’re alright with hitting rock bottom) respond with a 'yes' and a nervous smile.

All the while, ponder why Meric Gertler can’t afford to budget the school a sound ratio of burger patties to buns.

Enough introspection; the moment has finally come.

You’re handed the warm cardboard box.

It has a Sharpie smiley-face drawn on it in apology, but you should still mentally prepare yourself to see the bastard of a burger that you’ve been promised.

Now, you may be thinking, “I never knew there were so many shades of beige,” or “why the fuck did I stay in res?”

Both of these are natural and valid reactions.

The truth is, as unappetising as the Beef Bagel looks, it doesn’t taste horrible.

As you bite into the middle of the bagel and you get a mouthful of ketchup drenched burger patty, you’re thrown off.

Life is more exciting. The element of surprise injects flavour into the meal that you could’ve sworn wasn’t there to begin with. So maybe The Varsity was right - or maybe they were wrong.

In the end, nothing encompasses the complexity of emotions that revolve around living on campus like the Beef Bagel can.


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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper