Accommodated Testing Services Now Offering Cocaine

Good news for those struggling with midterms: the University of Toronto’s Accommodated Testing Services (ATS) announced on Tuesday that they will begin offering cocaine to students during the exam period.

The ATS released a statement addressing their new initiative: “While we normally offer accommodations like writing in a quiet room, additional time, and breaks with a paused clock, we thought students would also benefit from unrestricted access to a Schedule 1 controlled substance during their examinations.”

While 85% of Canadian bills already have trace amounts of cocaine on them, the number for U of T exam sheets will soon be even higher, because, unlike the normal registration process required for Accessibility Services, the only requirement for eligibility in the new Cocaine Services is simply “really, really wanting it.” When asked about the potential for students becoming addicted to cocaine, they were unconcerned, speculating that if students are willing to do extra exams in order to score more cocaine, they could create the most productive graduating class in history.

A student, who asked to remain anonymous, had this to say: “I love that ATS has cocaine now, and I’m going to study for all my exams, and the spiders in the walls won’t get me! I’ve been up for 48 hours and still have three bumps left, so I’m set for at least two more all-nighters.”

At press time, ATS has partnered with the pharmacology department to accommodate the testing of new kinds of chemical exam assists. “We’re seeing a lot of promise with heroin,” one representative said. “The criminology department isn’t thrilled, but the prospective law students are, so I’m sure they’ll make some concessions.”