Bisexual Student Leaves Professor Fiona Apple

With the pleasantries and optimism of the new semester finally withering away (alongside the blistering hangovers from excursions to Queen’s HoCo), many students at the University of Toronto are scrambling to avoid lateness penalties on assignments they should have started two weeks ago. Fortunately, most professors are sympathetic to the woes of the world and have been generous in granting extensions on extensions for people who struggle with deadlines. 

Victoria College faculty member Dr. Edna Frizzle is one of these aforementioned generous and understanding instructors. When asked about their approach, she explained that she understands the stresses being placed on students by a world that has become increasingly complicated. Frizzle offered a compassionate perspective that would send most geriatric tenure professors into cardiac arrest. “I want to give them all the tools they need to succeed–let’s face it, there’s a lot working against them, and I think it’s beneficial to be lenient to encourage well-developed work.”

However, Frizzle has realized that no good deed goes unpunished. They have given second-year bisexual student Florence Del Bridgers four extensions on a discussion post that was due the first week of September, which has still not been submitted over one month later. 

When Del Bridgers was asked about the extremely short and uncomplicated assignment that had not yet been uploaded, Del Bridgers apologized and explained that while she is still unable to post the small reflection of only 250 words, she does have something that she hopes will make up for it–the classic teacher gift of an apple (failing to mention that the apple in question contains the trapped soul of popular alternative singer-songwriter Fiona Apple). 

“I thought it was a good compromise,” said Del Bridgers, actively avoiding Frizzle’s death glare. It’s a great deal–Fiona’s music can communicate all of the ideas I struggle to articulate, so maybe the apple will be able to convey the things I totally would have said in my discussion post.” She paused to take a sip of her matcha and fiddle with her bag charms. “I’ll probably get the post done by the end of the week, but if I don’t, then I’ll just have to ask Professor Frizzle for another extension–which should be fine, right? Genius and artistry take time. Fiona Apple released Fetch The Bolt Cutters eight years after Extraordinary Machine and won the Grammy for Best Alternative Album, so when you think about it, a month and a half isn’t that long at all.” 

At press time, Del Bridgers has still yet to post her reflection, and Professor Frizzle is considering imposing lateness penalties of 10% per day, including weekends.