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Kin Student Refuses to Get Beta Variant



Hoping to avoid increased stigma towards the originating countries of COVID-19 variants, the World Health Organization has recently renamed the coronavirus variants, opting instead to use letters of the Greek alphabet such as Alpha, Beta, and others that can be found in trigonometry problems and frat boys’ Instagram bios. But the updated naming system has brought on an unexpected concern for guys like Kinesiology student Chet Bradson: fear of becoming a Beta male.


“When I heard there was a Beta strain, that was the first time I took this thing for real,” said the Gymshark-clad HGH macrodoser and self-proclaimed Alpha. “If I get sick, whatever, I’ll recover physically. I dry-scoop too much Nitor Elite HD Protein powder not to. But if I get the Beta cuck simp strain? I’ll never recover my Alpha status,” he vented while benching a 150-pound weight that his spotter was supporting fully.


Bradson isn’t the only student disturbed by this identity-crisis-inducing dilemma. Childhood friend of Bradson and fellow gym bro, Trent Dawson, shares similar worries:


“I’ve followed my jacked lifestyle regimen for all seven years of undergrad. Do you know how many kale-centric meals I’ve prepped? How many pieces of equipment I’ve refused to wipe my sweat from? Fuck, man. If I knew I could still become a Beta after all of this I never would’ve started.”


While a new petition started by the students to re-rename the strains is underway, it has yet to catch on with the non-Kinesiology student population.


“I don’t get it,” whined Dawson. “Why would anyone be against the ‘Yolked’ strain? Or the ‘100% All Natty Bro’ variant?”


Meanwhile, reports have surfaced of a dozen possible COVID cases in Kin students throughout Toronto. Experts are still determining whether the students in question have lost their sense of smell due to the virus, or if they just knowingly smell like that.


Photo Credit: Natalie Cader-Beutel

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