- Natalie Cader-Beutel
Broke Frat Bro Just Imitating Greek Life
Justin Dover, a fourth-year Delta Theta Pi bro-for-life, has spent hundreds of dollars on colour-changing LED lights for his dorm and he's always the one picking up fresh Fruit Medley JUULpods for the boys. However, the fraternity brother claims that his empty bank account is simply an ode to Greek culture — he has decided to take his commitment to the next level by recreating Greece’s infamous ongoing debt.
According to Dover, Greek life is number one on his short list of priorities, followed by Bud Light and “broads." He was excited to verbally declare his recent bankruptcy in honour of his “home country,” despite the fact that he hails from beautiful Barrie, Ontario.
However, Dover’s fellow bro and childhood friend, Connor Murphy, reveals that the broke student hasn’t contributed to the Keg Fund since middle school (years before Greece’s 2015 default).
Dover called his friend's comment “slanderous,” and “straight up CAP dude.” He then proceeded to pick up a nickel off the sidewalk. In any case, the broke frat student says he will escape his debt before “corona is over and ‘rona season begins.”
So far, Dover has asked resident broski Karl Wagner (whom he heard had a German grandmother) for a bailout, but it hasn’t panned out.
At this point, it seems that Dover has accepted his predicament: “I guess Greek life wasn’t meant to be perfectly imitated,” he grumbled. The student has reportedly receded back to his parents’ home in Barrie where he has to play his bangers at a significantly lower volume and do the dishes on weekends.
Photo Credit: Daniel Golden