Census Finds 83% of UC Students Currently Lost in UC
Tuesday, May 11th officially marked Census Day 2021, and by moving online, the government has made it easier than ever for all Canadians to provide their mother’s maiden name, first pet’s name, and social security number for public records. Canadians are encouraged to fill out the census in order to provide an accurate representation of Canada’s demographics and which government officials the country would Fuck, Marry, and Kill. With results now being made public, one growing demographic stands out as worrisome for Canadians: University College students lost inside the University College building.
From data already collected, StatsCan finds that 83% of UC students are aimlessly roaming the convoluted halls of UC, either in search of a first-year seminar from 2016 or an exit. Thousands of lost and scared students submitted their censuses from the UC building in hopes that somebody, anybody, could tell them “where the fuck they can find Room F283.”
Luckily, a Boundary reporter sent on assignment to UC in 2008 was still lost somewhere in the Weast Upper-G wing and caught up with lost-first-year-who’s-grown-a-beard, Nathan Hibbert. “There’s too many hurdles you have to overcome just to find the registrar. Mythical riddle-telling Sphinxes, bookshelves that turn into secret passages, not to mention the literal hurdles they have placed all around the building.”
In a recent statement, the Government of Canada has made helping lost UC students their number two priority in terms of problems that require immediate attention. Said the government, “number one, of course, being the 46% of Kin students who are stuck running around the never-ending maze that is King’s College Circle.”
Photo Credit: Sammy Edwards