With the city in lockdown and in-person classes cancelled, the University of Toronto has moved exams online for the fall semester. Despite the university’s high premium on academic integrity, many students this year will surely try to cheat on their finals in an attempt to bolster their GPAs, and to get that sweet, sweet congratulatory Dean’s List email from Melanie Woodin. The only person able to hold these suspect academics accountable? Good ol’ Saint Nick.
Many students have argued that if they don’t cheat, their grades will suffer because others will cheat anyway. Expecting this objection, some professors have altered their syllabi from past years, offering their students the opportunity to write open-book exams. While this logic is common among empathetic and helpful instructors, other professors are sticking to their closed-minded, closed-book ways. As a result, the administration is worried that there will be an influx of “Chegg and Cheat” students on the Dean’s List come April.
Dr. Jahred Monroe’s solution to scoping out the cheaters in his classroom is a simple one: trusting Christmas magic.
“I know what all you damn hooligans are doing,” he shouted at his students while freezing on a poorly-connected Zoom call. “I design a 240 question multiple-choice exam that’s meant to be completed in one hour, and suddenly, everyone thinks they have the right to cheat?”
Dr. Monroe insisted that he has a “direct line” to Mr. Clause and that every student partaking in foul academic conduct will be permanently etched into the Naugty List. “I know it and you know it. But most of all… Santa knows it. I hope all you pathetic losers enjoy your coal!”
The Boundary has obtained documents showing that UofT has attempted to reach out to the North Pole. Rumours from within the upper echelons of power at the university whisper that Meric Gertler is trying to enter into an iCloud sharing system with officials from the region to facilitate information trades.
Until that announcement becomes official, however, students will continue to make the Dean’s List.
Photo Credit: Daniel Fraser
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