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  • Robbie Janzen

Cinephile Not Allowed Within 100 Meters of Movie Theatre

Each and every one of us has a favourite hobby. Some enjoy gardening and others like stamp collecting. Hobbies are usually just hobbies – kept to oneself. One UofT student, however, who would consider watching movies his hobby, has taken it one step further, declaring himself a full-fledged cinephile. Stanley Fletcher, a third year cinema studies student, has let his hobby of cinema get so extreme that local businesses have had to take action against him.

Fletcher has reportedly been “interested” in movies for as long as he can remember. “I can still remember the first time I realized I was cinephile,” he said to our correspondent. “When I was 8, I watched E.T. at one of my friend’s birthday parties. I’ve never been more aroused in my life.” 

Things came to a head last week, when Stanley was getting excited about the new releases. The family of four sitting next to him was not quite as excited. “I sat next to him during Kung Fu Panda 4, and it was torture,” said the mother of two, “Every couple of minutes, he’d be moaning something like ‘Oh God, that’s such a good shot,’ or, ‘Jesus, that editing. So hot.’ I walked into the theatre at the same time he did, and even just looking at the poster, he was biting his lip. Thank God my kids passed out after consuming their entire $12 skittles during the previews.” 

This incident prompted the owners of all Toronto movie theatres to meet and agree to collectively ban Fletcher from coming within 100 meters of their establishments. “Maybe if this was the sixties, and this was THAT kind of theatre, it would be okay, but it isn’t,” one was reported to have said.

When asked how he would handle this ban, Fletcher let out a wistful sigh. “They don’t understand our love. But I guess I’ll just have to make do at home. Lord knows I’ve done it plenty of times before.”



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