This holiday season, the City of Toronto has decided to make some adjustments to its urban planning. First on their priority list was the installation of shiny new metal bars on Santa’s lap, said to provide an “armrest” for the visitors of his joyfulness. This new addition was hailed as revolutionary for elbows and forearms everywhere, and yet, rowdy children complained of an inability to sit comfortably on Santa’s lap – or sit at all.
Damien, a seven-year-old from Cabbagetown, tells The Boundary that Santa’s lap isn’t what it used to be. “I tried to get up there to tell Santa I want a Pop-It in the shape of a hot dog for Christmas, but I had a hard time climbing up and holding on. If I wasn’t so good at gymnastics ‘cause I go twice a week on Mondays and Wednesdays, I don’t think I could get up there. Good thing I go to gymnastics on Mondays and Wednesdays and I’m good at it.”
The city has claimed that these installations are completely unrelated to increased homelessness in the surrounding areas of Santa’s Village, but not everybody is convinced. There are suspicions that the new “armrests” were actually implemented to prevent sleeping on Santa’s lap. Santa did not confirm nor deny this accusation, simply stating, “It’s best when kiddos just tell me what toys they want and head out. There’s no freebies around here for the naughty ones.”
Additions to Santa’s lap have also been integrated in Vancouver, with spikes implemented into Santa’s knees. The Vancouverites are not pleased. Jennie, a six-year-old from Burnaby, noted, “It’s a lot less comfy ever since they put those metal pokies in Santa’s lap. I could barely even climb up to tell Santa I want a Pop-It shaped like a kitty cat for Christmas. All of my friends have Pop-Its except me," she cried. "And my daddy won’t let us get hot chocolate because it’s 15 dollars. He says I can save up and get one next year.”