- Daniel Golden
Conservative Party Votes Not to Recognize the Heliocentric Model
The Conservative Party of Canada recently made international headlines following its refusal to recognize the legitimacy of the climate crisis at a party policy convention. While their denial of climate changed has hogged the attention of respectable publications and the National Post, it was not the only bit of reactionary idiocy discussed at the meeting.
During the conference, despite the vocal protests of the scientific community, the Tories voted in favour of repudiating past acknowledgement of heliocentrism: the fact that the Earth and other planets orbit around the sun. In an anonymous comment to The Boundary, one Tory climate change denier stated that supporting heliocentrism would “disregard the proud Conservative tradition of ignorance,” and justified the party’s decision by dismissing Copernicus, Kepler, and Galileo as nothing but “a lot of loony liberal liars.”
The party is yet to announce an official geocentric model of the universe to replace the current academic consensus, and fierce debates continue to rage between Aristotelian and Ptolemaic factions. The Boundary's chief political analysts predict that this senile squabbling could last for weeks, as the decrepit and dull-witted delegates tackle the problems of retrograde motion and the phases of Venus.
Much like with the party's 2011 Resolution on the Prophetic Ability of Fortune Cookies and 2019 Reaffirmation of the Unreliability of Pisces, an official document on the rejection of heliocentrism is expected to be published by the party’s press in the coming weeks.
Until then, the Conservatives are facing tremendous criticism from their parliamentary opponents and the odd party supporter who passed Grade 8 Science. More importantly, with the growing likelihood of federal elections at some point this year, some are saying the party’s decision may mean that the sun has finally set on their chances of forming government.