Freshman Develops Early-Onset Senioritis

The weather is getting chillier and the leaves are falling, but freshman communications major Jimmy Manziel is managing the fallout after being diagnosed with early-onset senioritis, an incurable disease that will destroy his academic pursuits. “I pretty quickly realized that class blows, and none of this matters. It’s way more fun to just enjoy the journey,” said Manziel, speaking to us while downing a six pack of Busch Light in a nearby park. 

The Boundary spoke with our on-staff medical expert, Dr. Jamie Kevorkian, regarding Manziel’s diagnosis. “Senioritis is a genetic brain condition that often manifests itself in university students in their final year of study. Students afflicted with senioritis tend to stop going to class and handing in assignments, and typically enjoy non-academic pursuits such as getting hammered during the day, DoorDashing McDonald’s at four in the morning, leveling up in Call of Duty, and generally not giving a damn,” explained Dr. Kevorkian. “However, in rare cases, students develop the disease in their first year of study, but treatment plans exist. Unfortunately, considering the severity and fast progression of his condition, these options are not viable. It is unlikely Mr. Manziel will finish his program; he hasn’t attended any classes after the second week of September and is currently on academic probation.”

Despite the ongoing concerns expressed by his loved ones, Manziel has seemingly made peace with his condition and sees no reason to pursue treatment. When asked by our correspondent about his decision, he shrugged and cracked open a cold one. “I’m living the dream. I get to stay up until two playing Fortnite, and I watched seven hours of commercial-free football yesterday. Tonight, I think I’m going to hit the Maddy and drink until I can’t see straight. Besides, I’m not worried about jeopardizing my future. This happened to my buddy Eric, and, since his dad runs a construction company, I can always just work there or something.” After concluding our interview, Mr. Manziel was seen approaching a homeless man to bum a cigarette.