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Digital Varsity Makes Worse Toilet Paper than Print Edition



Since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic and the transition to online learning, many students at the University of Toronto have been unable to secure print copies of The Varsity. The paper prides itself on its 140-year run as “being more durable, absorbent, soft, and long-lasting than any other brand-name student newspaper.” In recent years, the paper has become a nifty replacement for students looking to save on the price of Charmin, Cashmere, and Cottonelle.


The paper, whose journalism is as skimpy as a single-ply roll, has continued to publish material online over the past year, but many former fans say that the new format just isn’t the same.


“I’ve really tried to use the digital paper like I used the ol’ print,” says Nicole Miller, a third-year Waste Management specialist, “but I just can’t get used to the new feel, and don’t get me started on the clean-up!”


Miller is not alone in her fecal frustrations, and many students across all three U of T campuses have voiced concern over this existential excretory emergency.


“It’s all a load of crap,” says Zane Elpa, an Economics major at UTM. “I can understand why there might have been supply shortages at the start of the pandemic, with all the hoarding and whatnot, but this late in the game? Simply unacceptable!”


The Varsity Board of Directors are yet to comment on the crisis, but will likely release a statement in the coming weeks as public backlash grows. In the meantime, many students have moved on to other publications, taking out a subscription to the Toronto Sun as a means of alleviating their wiping woes.

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