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  • Jonah Wineberg

“Easter Can’t Come Soon Enough” Says Guy Who Gave Up Kidneys for Lent

For those who take part in Lent, it can be a liberating time for sacrificing mortal vices, focusing on getting closer with God, and saving money on Stlth disposables. However, many are relieved by its upcoming end on the day before Easter and eagerly await reuniting with their guilty pleasures. This is especially true for Noah Marshall, a devout Christian who chose to give up his kidneys for the Lenten season.

“Let me tell you, these past few weeks have been rough,” reported Marshall, “but I’ll appreciate my kidneys all the more when this is over.” Marshall claimed that his over-reliance on his kidneys was becoming a clear problem, where he “practically couldn’t live without them.” He saw Lent as the perfect opportunity to cleanse himself from his overindulgence in clean blood.

Unfortunately, not everyone supports Marshall’s commitment to his faith. Friends reportedly tell him that he “doesn’t understand Lent” while doctors tell him that he faces “imminent death.” Despite the naysayers, Marshall plans on holding out until Easter to reattach his kidneys, which are currently cooling in his kitchen fridge.

“It was between this and giving up smoking, and I’m just trying to be realistic here,” said Marshall, polishing off his second pack of the day. Marshall is already planning ahead to next year, planning on giving up his liver along with Instagram.



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